Why am I this way?

 

Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop yanking and pulling my hair out of my scalp?

Sometimes I do better. There was a week long period that I didn’t pull a single hair. Every time I document if I pull my hair I don’t do it! Then, if that works, why can’t I keep doing that? Why do I have to torture myself?

I feel like a complete idiot when I do it, because I think I can force myself to stop, but I don’t.  Is that the way it is for anyone else? Or am I just doing this to myself.  I doubt that I have trichotillomania sometimes.  I think that I must enjoy doing it.  However, it makes me hate myself.

It’s the same thing with food. I gained 30 lbs during this school year, and I know how to stop it.  I know the science of it. I just don’t do it.  Is it because I’m just a lazy son of a gun?  Is it because I want to be bigger? I just eat junk. I have a gym membership, but I never go. I have a thousand ways that I could help myself, and yet, I don’t.

My fat goes to my stomach, and I don’t fit into my old clothes anymore.

The way I look makes me hate myself.

I have about one hundred stretch marks on my thighs that are bright pink.  My stomach goes out farther than my breasts which are already large.  My face makes a double chin unless I jut out my chin. Tank tops show folds around my arms and underarms. My hair is a fourth of it’s original thickness.  I have bald spots no matter how I style my hair.  I don’t know why I don’t just fix it.

I don’t take care of myself half the time.  I rarely wash my hair because I hate the way it looks when it’s wet, and I avoid it at all costs.  I eat crap because I stop caring, but when I get on the scale I cry.

Why can’t I stop this?

Why am I this way?