anxiety, depression, health, personal, trich

Another Episode

I pulled out a lot of hair today.  I haven’t washed it in a while because I hate getting it wet.  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  I still have piles of hair on the bathroom counter, but if I go in there I know I’ll start pulling again.  I think this blog may be helping me.  It’s keeping my hands busy typing rather than pulling.  I like how fast I am at typing, it gives me some sort of satisfaction.  Maybe it’s similar to hair pulling, it’s not as relaxing though.

Anyway, I feel kind of useless with this blog.  Nobody really seems to be benefitting but me, and it seems like a waste of time. But maybe it could help my trich.

I don’t know.  I gave myself another bald spot.  When I went to see my mom she started to cry because of how thin my hair has gotten.  She has never done that before.  It must be really bad this time.

I still try to keep my therapist in the loop, but it’s hard when my hands are always busy.  Everything is hard to do with my hands always busy.

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depression, health, pop culture, rant, review

Why 13 Reasons Why is Bologna

This show is absolute trash.  Not due to the screen writing or the acting or directing or anything like that.  It was doomed to garbage from the very idea of it.  This will contain spoilers, but don’t worry; if you haven’t watched it, you’re not missing much.

I cannot even express how much I loathe the concept and the whole story.

The whole idea revolves around how she is still active in her life after her passing.

This gives off a totally wrong message that what happens after you die will bring you satisfaction.

Sorry, but you’d be dead. Gone. Your life is literally over. (Okay, don’t get touchy here about religions or details.)

Another reason this show is terrible is that it shows her “revenge” makes another guy KILL HIMSELF! He is not supposed to be a good guy anyway.  In fact, many people probably are thinking in the back of their minds “good, he deserved it.”

NO!!

That’s TERRIBLE!!!

Not only does she make one person feel like dookie, she puts CLAY through the whole thing when he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yeah, maybe he should’ve stepped up and stood up for her, but some people are totally uncomfortable with it.  It seems to me that Clay had a bit of social anxiety, but you know who cares?  Not Hannah Baker.

Yes, I understand that it would’ve been worth her keeping her life, but how would he know that would lead to it? Yes, I know we don’t know what everyone is dealing with, and we should be kind to everyone.  However, PEOPLE ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE PERFECT.  Mistakes happen, we should realize when a mistake was made and try to not make it again in the future.  Other people should also realize that those around them CAN MAKE MISTAKES.

It’s not like Clay was sitting over there going “yeah, make fun of Hannah, do it, aha!” Like, no.  It isn’t his fault it happened.

She put that boy through absolute TORTURE having to listen to all of those tapes and stories and thinking that he had done something absolutely awful to make her kill herself.  She says that he didn’t really do anything, but she doesn’t care.  Because nobody is more important than Hannah Baker. (HEAVY SARCASM RIGHT THERE)

Hannah Baker’s life wasn’t so great so she has to make everyone else’s lives not so great.

She made herself a bully beyond the grave!

REVENGE JUST BRINGS YOU TO A LOWER LEVEL

AND IT’S NOT JUSTICE IF YOU’RE THE ONE ALREADY DEAD

Now, this sounds like I have no sympathy for suicidal people. That is so far from the truth.  I am severely depressed and have had thoughts about suicide.  Luckily, they stayed thoughts, and those thoughts scared me.

But this isn’t about me.

I understand that people want to kill themselves.  However, I think most of us can agree that suicide is not good. We might even say suicide is bad.  Therefore,

SUICIDE SHOULD NOT BE ROMANTICIZED

Which is exactly what 13 Reasons Why has done.

 

Now, I want to mention something that just irked me.

HANNAH COULD’VE ASKED CLAY OUT THIS WHOLE TIME

WE’RE IN THE 21ST CENTURY BRO

WE CAN SHOW OUR ANKLES, TALK ABOUT MENSTRUATION, VOTE, AND ASK SOMEONE OUT

How do you think two girls in a relationship do it? Do they wait for a guy to come in the middle and say “Hey, you two should go out.  Will you go out with each other?” No.

That’s not how that works.

AND ANOTHER THING

Why does she put herself in these terrible situations all the time?

Now, I’m not victim blaming.  It’s just a question.  Nobody ever deserves these things! However, I feel that at some point when you purposefully put yourself in a certain situation in which things go wrong you may be insane. Well, that is the definition of insanity.

Insanity – when one repeats the same thing multiple times expecting a different outcome

C’mon Hannah Baker, just be more careful.  Ask Clay out yourself. And don’t try to make other people’s lives crappy when they did it to you.  Honestly, it makes you no better than them.

I wish that we could just re-do this.  Of course awareness should be raised on teen suicide and depression and bullying.  They’re huge issues.  However, don’t romanticize it.  It’s awful.  It’s not the only answer. It doesn’t solve anything.

In 13 Reasons Why, it’s as though it’s the best option.

 

anxiety, depression, diet, fitness, health, trich, weight

Why am I this way?

 

Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop yanking and pulling my hair out of my scalp?

Sometimes I do better. There was a week long period that I didn’t pull a single hair. Every time I document if I pull my hair I don’t do it! Then, if that works, why can’t I keep doing that? Why do I have to torture myself?

I feel like a complete idiot when I do it, because I think I can force myself to stop, but I don’t.  Is that the way it is for anyone else? Or am I just doing this to myself.  I doubt that I have trichotillomania sometimes.  I think that I must enjoy doing it.  However, it makes me hate myself.

It’s the same thing with food. I gained 30 lbs during this school year, and I know how to stop it.  I know the science of it. I just don’t do it.  Is it because I’m just a lazy son of a gun?  Is it because I want to be bigger? I just eat junk. I have a gym membership, but I never go. I have a thousand ways that I could help myself, and yet, I don’t.

My fat goes to my stomach, and I don’t fit into my old clothes anymore.

The way I look makes me hate myself.

I have about one hundred stretch marks on my thighs that are bright pink.  My stomach goes out farther than my breasts which are already large.  My face makes a double chin unless I jut out my chin. Tank tops show folds around my arms and underarms. My hair is a fourth of it’s original thickness.  I have bald spots no matter how I style my hair.  I don’t know why I don’t just fix it.

I don’t take care of myself half the time.  I rarely wash my hair because I hate the way it looks when it’s wet, and I avoid it at all costs.  I eat crap because I stop caring, but when I get on the scale I cry.

Why can’t I stop this?

Why am I this way?

depression, trich

My Story

I am going to do this early so that it is in the deepest parts of my bog.  This is something very personal to me, and I have not shared it with many people.  Actually, I’ve only shared it with three: my mom, my boyfriend, and my therapist.  All of them are very supportive, but it gets hard to talk to them about it all the time.  I just make them upset.

I was three years old the first time it started.  I was told that if I lost an eyelash that I could make a wish.  So, I started tearing them out.  It became a habit, and I got so scared when I got into elementary school that all of my eyelashes would be gone, but I never could stop.  Luckily, it faded as I got older.

However, something new started when I was in fifth grade.  I had just moved from Texas to South Carolina, and I was already the new kid so I just had to mess it up even more.  One day, I took a shower early in the morning but I hadn’t gotten out all of the conditioner.  My hair felt so uncomfortable on the top of my head that I started playing with it.

At first, I just started messing around with the ends and feeling some of my split ends.  I would also just pull down from my roots to the ends to feel if anything was there.  In my defense, one time I found a random bug and I still haven’t seen another like it.  Anyway, it was just simple.  It was distracting but it didn’t hurt me.

Then, I started pulling.  I have naturally very straight hair and when I noticed that on the top of my head there were pieces that felt thick and crumpled, I pulled them.  I’d even do it in class.  However, I would get pimples on the top of  my head from putting my hands through it so much.  Grossly, I would pick them constantly.  I only did this on my head.

I eventually got a therapist in the sixth grade and was diagnosed with anxiety.  My therapist worked with my pediatrician and they started me on Zoloft.  I was doing much better.  I didn’t do it much throughout my seventh, eighth, ninth, or tenth grade.  But, of course, it came back.

Junior year was a wreck.  I had just stopped my physical activity of competitive dancing.  I had very difficult classes.  I was worrying about the SAT, ACT, and college.  I didn’t have any good friends other than my boyfriend.  My mom and I weren’t close.  I started eating a lot.  I gained 30 pounds. And then, I started pulling my hair.  I hated the environment I was being put in with mean kids, just awful people.  I hated myself, I hated everything.

That was when they upped my Zoloft and diagnosed me with depression.  I also didn’t know what trichotillomania was until then.

I have definitely gotten better in regards to my depressive tendencies, but the hair just gets worse.

I see my bald spots and I hate myself even more.  I see the way I look in the mirror, and I hate myself.  I hate what I have become, and I hate what I do to keep me in these positions.  But I just can’t stop.

It’s hard, you know.

I feel like I’m in a catch 22.  I feel like I’m lost, powerless, alone.

I know that I have people that love me.  But I know there are people that are awful to me and others.  And I know that I’m awful to myself.

I have tried so many times and in different ways to stop doing these things to myself.  I try to love myself.  I try to think that I am beautiful.  I am trying. I’m just stuck.

Everyone keeps saying this is temporary.  I hope this is true.  I want to love myself again. I want to be confident walking around again.  I want to feel beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I must be, so many people keep telling me this, even when others tell me I’m ugly.  They tell everyone they’re ugly.  They’re just bad people.  I want to believe I’m beautiful.

I have to.