anxiety, depression, diet, fitness, health, trich, weight

Why am I this way?

 

Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop yanking and pulling my hair out of my scalp?

Sometimes I do better. There was a week long period that I didn’t pull a single hair. Every time I document if I pull my hair I don’t do it! Then, if that works, why can’t I keep doing that? Why do I have to torture myself?

I feel like a complete idiot when I do it, because I think I can force myself to stop, but I don’t.  Is that the way it is for anyone else? Or am I just doing this to myself.  I doubt that I have trichotillomania sometimes.  I think that I must enjoy doing it.  However, it makes me hate myself.

It’s the same thing with food. I gained 30 lbs during this school year, and I know how to stop it.  I know the science of it. I just don’t do it.  Is it because I’m just a lazy son of a gun?  Is it because I want to be bigger? I just eat junk. I have a gym membership, but I never go. I have a thousand ways that I could help myself, and yet, I don’t.

My fat goes to my stomach, and I don’t fit into my old clothes anymore.

The way I look makes me hate myself.

I have about one hundred stretch marks on my thighs that are bright pink.  My stomach goes out farther than my breasts which are already large.  My face makes a double chin unless I jut out my chin. Tank tops show folds around my arms and underarms. My hair is a fourth of it’s original thickness.  I have bald spots no matter how I style my hair.  I don’t know why I don’t just fix it.

I don’t take care of myself half the time.  I rarely wash my hair because I hate the way it looks when it’s wet, and I avoid it at all costs.  I eat crap because I stop caring, but when I get on the scale I cry.

Why can’t I stop this?

Why am I this way?

Advertisements
adhd, trich

5/28/17 Studying

Basically I’ll say how my day went because it had a lot to do with my trich.

So, I have finals next week and I’ve been doing plenty of studying for this long memorial day weekend.  This would usually be a time in which I would torture my scalp. But, I didn’t have any urges today, really.  I scratched and played but I stopped myself from pulling every time.  I felt good about it.

I got a bit done of course my ADHD kicked in and I couldn’t finish any one thing; I skipped around a lot.

Later, I got a bunch of packages of some toys to use to replace my pulling. There was a thing on buzzfeed (yes I know) about some products that you could get to help with trich, and I’m down to try anything at this point.  This one was a koosh bracelet that Buzzfeed said I could pull out the strands. Well, they came in today, and they’re just for sensory purposes.  They’re still fun, and I’ll probably use them sometimes, but they won’t always work when I need that satisfaction of a pull.

I don’t know exactly what people like about their pulling, for me, its the feeling of the follicle coming out.  It’s like a release of tension.  I don’t know, I don’t think I’m the only one.  There is a lot of art out there for trich with follicles. I also always have to pick them off if the follicle comes out with it.

Anyway, I did my spray again tonight.  I should probably do it more than once a day.  I think I’m going to do it once in the morning and once at night.  Again, I’ll keep you guys posted.

OH! If anyone would like to send in some of their trich experiences, please feel free to send them via my contact page! I’d love to hear what works for you and maybe, if you allow me to,  I can share them.  It’s very likely that someone else deals with similar things that you do.  Of course, I can always keep it confidential.  Alright, that’s it for tonight.

Also, I promise my blog is not going to be a diary.