personal, pop culture, review, TV

SVU

I am absolutely obsessed with Law & Order: SVU. That makes me sound awful because of the horrendous things that go on in these shows. However, I love when they take down the scum that walk the Earth. It’s so real! They don’t always win, and sometimes the bad guy gets away.  It’s how it works, but I get so into it! I am currently watching Season 17 Episode 8.  I can recite the beginning sequence.

Lieutenant Benson just didn’t see Noah (her adopted son) at the park. She had a freak out.  That’s basically what I’ve been doing with my baby sister and myself.  It probably is good for me.  I used to be independent to a fault.  You know? I probably thought that I was all high and mighty not thinking that I could have any harm done to me.  However, that’s totally not true.  I’ve now seen some of this stuff, experienced it. I am not immune, nobody is anymore.

Anyway, I love the show.  It’s addictive and just crazy.

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anxiety, depression, health, personal, trich

Another Episode

I pulled out a lot of hair today.  I haven’t washed it in a while because I hate getting it wet.  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  I still have piles of hair on the bathroom counter, but if I go in there I know I’ll start pulling again.  I think this blog may be helping me.  It’s keeping my hands busy typing rather than pulling.  I like how fast I am at typing, it gives me some sort of satisfaction.  Maybe it’s similar to hair pulling, it’s not as relaxing though.

Anyway, I feel kind of useless with this blog.  Nobody really seems to be benefitting but me, and it seems like a waste of time. But maybe it could help my trich.

I don’t know.  I gave myself another bald spot.  When I went to see my mom she started to cry because of how thin my hair has gotten.  She has never done that before.  It must be really bad this time.

I still try to keep my therapist in the loop, but it’s hard when my hands are always busy.  Everything is hard to do with my hands always busy.

personal

My Love Story

Okay, a big supporter in my life is my boyfriend.  His name is Brian and he takes very good care of me. Well, as well as a teenage boy could.  I feel terrible a lot of the time just for having him put up with me.  I get angry and I lash out on him when he makes simple mistakes that do not deserve my reaction.

I’ve talked to my doctors about this a lot and they all say that it’s me trying to push him away.  I’m actually writing about this while I am being pretty rude to my boyfriend. He didn’t even do anything wrong yet I find some way to be petty and upset. Anyway, I think I need to talk about how much he means to me. I don’t deserve him, but he doesn’t even blink. So, I guess, here’s our love story.

 

The summer before sophomore year, I had been going through a rough time.  I was in a horrible relationship with someone three years older than me that I never saw.  He never went to school and had a lot of issues.  I was pretty level at that point in time, I seemed to be happy.  However, my mother will tell you now that I was not myself at all.  Anyway, I was trying to be cool, basically.  At least, that’s how I see it now.

At the beginning of the summer, my church youth group holds a welcome night for incoming freshmen.  Throughout my freshman year I went on and off.  I thought I was too cool for religion.  Well, all of my friends weren’t religious so I wasn’t.  That night was the first night Brian went to our youth group. I was not there.

However, a few weeks later, my friend Pablo had been asking me to come back and I finally gave in. I had not met any of the new freshmen yet, and me being me I made sure I greeted them.  I was very cheerful when I greeted Brian and his friends.  Brian says his first thoughts were “Ooh, that girls cute, damn she’s a sophomore, never mind.”  Mine were “Man, this freshman is hotter than anyone in my class.”  I didn’t think much of it because I was “involved” with a guy for almost a year and he wouldn’t call it dating.  But I’m not bitter.

Anyway, I didn’t go back to the youth group except for a few times where I’d see Brian.  Except, I could never remember his name.  School came around shortly, I was still involved with that awful guy.  I saw him around, still didn’t know his name.  I even said hi a few times while he waited in the carline.  He also had the same lunch as I did.  I’d see him walking down the hall.  Again, me being me, I would start conversation.  Sometimes he would walk with a girl from his class.  I remember asking him while they were walking together if they were dating.  When he said yes, I won’t lie, I was disappointed.  I invited him to our fall retreat and he gave me some lame excuse about  a baseball tournament. I remember thinking that he must have a nice butt. I would soon find out that I was right.

It was that retreat that I myself found Christ and became much more religious than I was before.  That in itself led me away from the guy I was seeing.  When I had gotten back I asked Brian (still having to ask his friends for his name) if he was still dating that girl.  They hadn’t been walking together.  He said no very bluntly.  He seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it, but I would soon find out he just wasn’t much of a small talker.  I asked the girl he had dated and she gave the explanation that they just didn’t talk anymore. However, she led out that it was him that broke up with her.  Honestly, I was kind of happy. I didn’t really know why, but I really wanted to flirt with him.  That makes me sound terrible.  It wasn’t like that with other guys.  I really still don’t understand why I felt such a strong pull towards him. Okay, that’s a lie.  I personally believe God put him in my path.

I also believe God pulled many other strings to put us together.  For example, on November 14th I was supposed to go to Tennessee to watch my mom march with some other alumni at the UT game in the band.  However, a few weeks before that, my mom broke her foot.  I felt awful for her, but I think God did that so I could go to the bonfire that night.  I would also find out later that Brian wouldn’t have gone had his game been normal length, but somehow it managed to go much quicker.

That night, I remember asking a kid named Parker what that other kids name was.  No not Ben, the one that looks like him.  He reminded me that his name was Brian.  I asked him if he would be coming tonight.  Parker told me that he might come but it would be late.

Sure enough, Brian’s dad dropped him off just after the stars began to show. We had the whole night ahead of us.  I ran up when I saw him get out of the car and I said “Brian!” in a flirty voice that I have luckily never had to use since. Brian told me later that he was very surprised and confused.  He proceeded to ask Parker what my name was after I was out of earshot.  He reminded him that my name was Kara.

The night went on and I flirted so hard.  I don’t remember what happened that I began leaning on him.  I just know that I did.  I know that I did it because it hurt my back; he was not a very good support, but I was determined to flirt with this boy.  I am very good at touchy flirting, but when it came to impressing him, I went straight to my rap skills.  I am very bad at rapping, but I do know every single word of Childish Gambino’s Bonfire, which I recited to him at the bonfire. Luckily for me, he was more amused than weirded out.

Too soon after did the night come to an end. We went our separate ways in our parents’ cars to our own houses.  I was in the passenger seat five minutes out when I was horrified by the fact that I had not gotten his number.

So, I DMed him.  I know, I know, it’s tragic.  However, this time, it worked.  I got his number and we have texted every day since.

are about eighteen months in.  So many stories are in between these times of when I ended things with that awful guy to when he officially asked me out to when we went on vacation together to him helping me through my struggles.  He has been there for me every step of the way.  I have tried to push him away a thousand times, but he won’t let me go that easily.  I am not the best girlfriend, I try to be thoughtful and do things for him, but in the end I’m really screwed up.  He’s my rock.  He has been my best friend and such an amazing partner.  I love him with all of my heart.  I am so glad that our paths have crossed, and I know it couldn’t have been a coincidence.  I love you, Brian.  Thank you for everything.IMG_1967

depression, health, pop culture, rant, review

Why 13 Reasons Why is Bologna

This show is absolute trash.  Not due to the screen writing or the acting or directing or anything like that.  It was doomed to garbage from the very idea of it.  This will contain spoilers, but don’t worry; if you haven’t watched it, you’re not missing much.

I cannot even express how much I loathe the concept and the whole story.

The whole idea revolves around how she is still active in her life after her passing.

This gives off a totally wrong message that what happens after you die will bring you satisfaction.

Sorry, but you’d be dead. Gone. Your life is literally over. (Okay, don’t get touchy here about religions or details.)

Another reason this show is terrible is that it shows her “revenge” makes another guy KILL HIMSELF! He is not supposed to be a good guy anyway.  In fact, many people probably are thinking in the back of their minds “good, he deserved it.”

NO!!

That’s TERRIBLE!!!

Not only does she make one person feel like dookie, she puts CLAY through the whole thing when he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yeah, maybe he should’ve stepped up and stood up for her, but some people are totally uncomfortable with it.  It seems to me that Clay had a bit of social anxiety, but you know who cares?  Not Hannah Baker.

Yes, I understand that it would’ve been worth her keeping her life, but how would he know that would lead to it? Yes, I know we don’t know what everyone is dealing with, and we should be kind to everyone.  However, PEOPLE ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE PERFECT.  Mistakes happen, we should realize when a mistake was made and try to not make it again in the future.  Other people should also realize that those around them CAN MAKE MISTAKES.

It’s not like Clay was sitting over there going “yeah, make fun of Hannah, do it, aha!” Like, no.  It isn’t his fault it happened.

She put that boy through absolute TORTURE having to listen to all of those tapes and stories and thinking that he had done something absolutely awful to make her kill herself.  She says that he didn’t really do anything, but she doesn’t care.  Because nobody is more important than Hannah Baker. (HEAVY SARCASM RIGHT THERE)

Hannah Baker’s life wasn’t so great so she has to make everyone else’s lives not so great.

She made herself a bully beyond the grave!

REVENGE JUST BRINGS YOU TO A LOWER LEVEL

AND IT’S NOT JUSTICE IF YOU’RE THE ONE ALREADY DEAD

Now, this sounds like I have no sympathy for suicidal people. That is so far from the truth.  I am severely depressed and have had thoughts about suicide.  Luckily, they stayed thoughts, and those thoughts scared me.

But this isn’t about me.

I understand that people want to kill themselves.  However, I think most of us can agree that suicide is not good. We might even say suicide is bad.  Therefore,

SUICIDE SHOULD NOT BE ROMANTICIZED

Which is exactly what 13 Reasons Why has done.

 

Now, I want to mention something that just irked me.

HANNAH COULD’VE ASKED CLAY OUT THIS WHOLE TIME

WE’RE IN THE 21ST CENTURY BRO

WE CAN SHOW OUR ANKLES, TALK ABOUT MENSTRUATION, VOTE, AND ASK SOMEONE OUT

How do you think two girls in a relationship do it? Do they wait for a guy to come in the middle and say “Hey, you two should go out.  Will you go out with each other?” No.

That’s not how that works.

AND ANOTHER THING

Why does she put herself in these terrible situations all the time?

Now, I’m not victim blaming.  It’s just a question.  Nobody ever deserves these things! However, I feel that at some point when you purposefully put yourself in a certain situation in which things go wrong you may be insane. Well, that is the definition of insanity.

Insanity – when one repeats the same thing multiple times expecting a different outcome

C’mon Hannah Baker, just be more careful.  Ask Clay out yourself. And don’t try to make other people’s lives crappy when they did it to you.  Honestly, it makes you no better than them.

I wish that we could just re-do this.  Of course awareness should be raised on teen suicide and depression and bullying.  They’re huge issues.  However, don’t romanticize it.  It’s awful.  It’s not the only answer. It doesn’t solve anything.

In 13 Reasons Why, it’s as though it’s the best option.

 

anxiety, depression, diet, fitness, health, trich, weight

Why am I this way?

 

Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop yanking and pulling my hair out of my scalp?

Sometimes I do better. There was a week long period that I didn’t pull a single hair. Every time I document if I pull my hair I don’t do it! Then, if that works, why can’t I keep doing that? Why do I have to torture myself?

I feel like a complete idiot when I do it, because I think I can force myself to stop, but I don’t.  Is that the way it is for anyone else? Or am I just doing this to myself.  I doubt that I have trichotillomania sometimes.  I think that I must enjoy doing it.  However, it makes me hate myself.

It’s the same thing with food. I gained 30 lbs during this school year, and I know how to stop it.  I know the science of it. I just don’t do it.  Is it because I’m just a lazy son of a gun?  Is it because I want to be bigger? I just eat junk. I have a gym membership, but I never go. I have a thousand ways that I could help myself, and yet, I don’t.

My fat goes to my stomach, and I don’t fit into my old clothes anymore.

The way I look makes me hate myself.

I have about one hundred stretch marks on my thighs that are bright pink.  My stomach goes out farther than my breasts which are already large.  My face makes a double chin unless I jut out my chin. Tank tops show folds around my arms and underarms. My hair is a fourth of it’s original thickness.  I have bald spots no matter how I style my hair.  I don’t know why I don’t just fix it.

I don’t take care of myself half the time.  I rarely wash my hair because I hate the way it looks when it’s wet, and I avoid it at all costs.  I eat crap because I stop caring, but when I get on the scale I cry.

Why can’t I stop this?

Why am I this way?

adhd, trich

5/28/17 Studying

Basically I’ll say how my day went because it had a lot to do with my trich.

So, I have finals next week and I’ve been doing plenty of studying for this long memorial day weekend.  This would usually be a time in which I would torture my scalp. But, I didn’t have any urges today, really.  I scratched and played but I stopped myself from pulling every time.  I felt good about it.

I got a bit done of course my ADHD kicked in and I couldn’t finish any one thing; I skipped around a lot.

Later, I got a bunch of packages of some toys to use to replace my pulling. There was a thing on buzzfeed (yes I know) about some products that you could get to help with trich, and I’m down to try anything at this point.  This one was a koosh bracelet that Buzzfeed said I could pull out the strands. Well, they came in today, and they’re just for sensory purposes.  They’re still fun, and I’ll probably use them sometimes, but they won’t always work when I need that satisfaction of a pull.

I don’t know exactly what people like about their pulling, for me, its the feeling of the follicle coming out.  It’s like a release of tension.  I don’t know, I don’t think I’m the only one.  There is a lot of art out there for trich with follicles. I also always have to pick them off if the follicle comes out with it.

Anyway, I did my spray again tonight.  I should probably do it more than once a day.  I think I’m going to do it once in the morning and once at night.  Again, I’ll keep you guys posted.

OH! If anyone would like to send in some of their trich experiences, please feel free to send them via my contact page! I’d love to hear what works for you and maybe, if you allow me to,  I can share them.  It’s very likely that someone else deals with similar things that you do.  Of course, I can always keep it confidential.  Alright, that’s it for tonight.

Also, I promise my blog is not going to be a diary.

 

depression, trich

My Story

I am going to do this early so that it is in the deepest parts of my bog.  This is something very personal to me, and I have not shared it with many people.  Actually, I’ve only shared it with three: my mom, my boyfriend, and my therapist.  All of them are very supportive, but it gets hard to talk to them about it all the time.  I just make them upset.

I was three years old the first time it started.  I was told that if I lost an eyelash that I could make a wish.  So, I started tearing them out.  It became a habit, and I got so scared when I got into elementary school that all of my eyelashes would be gone, but I never could stop.  Luckily, it faded as I got older.

However, something new started when I was in fifth grade.  I had just moved from Texas to South Carolina, and I was already the new kid so I just had to mess it up even more.  One day, I took a shower early in the morning but I hadn’t gotten out all of the conditioner.  My hair felt so uncomfortable on the top of my head that I started playing with it.

At first, I just started messing around with the ends and feeling some of my split ends.  I would also just pull down from my roots to the ends to feel if anything was there.  In my defense, one time I found a random bug and I still haven’t seen another like it.  Anyway, it was just simple.  It was distracting but it didn’t hurt me.

Then, I started pulling.  I have naturally very straight hair and when I noticed that on the top of my head there were pieces that felt thick and crumpled, I pulled them.  I’d even do it in class.  However, I would get pimples on the top of  my head from putting my hands through it so much.  Grossly, I would pick them constantly.  I only did this on my head.

I eventually got a therapist in the sixth grade and was diagnosed with anxiety.  My therapist worked with my pediatrician and they started me on Zoloft.  I was doing much better.  I didn’t do it much throughout my seventh, eighth, ninth, or tenth grade.  But, of course, it came back.

Junior year was a wreck.  I had just stopped my physical activity of competitive dancing.  I had very difficult classes.  I was worrying about the SAT, ACT, and college.  I didn’t have any good friends other than my boyfriend.  My mom and I weren’t close.  I started eating a lot.  I gained 30 pounds. And then, I started pulling my hair.  I hated the environment I was being put in with mean kids, just awful people.  I hated myself, I hated everything.

That was when they upped my Zoloft and diagnosed me with depression.  I also didn’t know what trichotillomania was until then.

I have definitely gotten better in regards to my depressive tendencies, but the hair just gets worse.

I see my bald spots and I hate myself even more.  I see the way I look in the mirror, and I hate myself.  I hate what I have become, and I hate what I do to keep me in these positions.  But I just can’t stop.

It’s hard, you know.

I feel like I’m in a catch 22.  I feel like I’m lost, powerless, alone.

I know that I have people that love me.  But I know there are people that are awful to me and others.  And I know that I’m awful to myself.

I have tried so many times and in different ways to stop doing these things to myself.  I try to love myself.  I try to think that I am beautiful.  I am trying. I’m just stuck.

Everyone keeps saying this is temporary.  I hope this is true.  I want to love myself again. I want to be confident walking around again.  I want to feel beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I must be, so many people keep telling me this, even when others tell me I’m ugly.  They tell everyone they’re ugly.  They’re just bad people.  I want to believe I’m beautiful.

I have to.

Misc

The Beginning

Alright, so I have really no idea what I’m doing. My mom and I were just talking and we thought that this would be a really good way to deal with what I’m going through. I just kind of wanted to share it and hopefully some other people will come across this and maybe find some sort of help with it? I don’t really know if anything will come of it, though I do hope something does. This is just a start that I’m going to try to keep up with.