anxiety, depression, health, personal, trich

Another Episode

I pulled out a lot of hair today.  I haven’t washed it in a while because I hate getting it wet.  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  I still have piles of hair on the bathroom counter, but if I go in there I know I’ll start pulling again.  I think this blog may be helping me.  It’s keeping my hands busy typing rather than pulling.  I like how fast I am at typing, it gives me some sort of satisfaction.  Maybe it’s similar to hair pulling, it’s not as relaxing though.

Anyway, I feel kind of useless with this blog.  Nobody really seems to be benefitting but me, and it seems like a waste of time. But maybe it could help my trich.

I don’t know.  I gave myself another bald spot.  When I went to see my mom she started to cry because of how thin my hair has gotten.  She has never done that before.  It must be really bad this time.

I still try to keep my therapist in the loop, but it’s hard when my hands are always busy.  Everything is hard to do with my hands always busy.

depression, health, pop culture, rant, review

Why 13 Reasons Why is Bologna

This show is absolute trash.  Not due to the screen writing or the acting or directing or anything like that.  It was doomed to garbage from the very idea of it.  This will contain spoilers, but don’t worry; if you haven’t watched it, you’re not missing much.

I cannot even express how much I loathe the concept and the whole story.

The whole idea revolves around how she is still active in her life after her passing.

This gives off a totally wrong message that what happens after you die will bring you satisfaction.

Sorry, but you’d be dead. Gone. Your life is literally over. (Okay, don’t get touchy here about religions or details.)

Another reason this show is terrible is that it shows her “revenge” makes another guy KILL HIMSELF! He is not supposed to be a good guy anyway.  In fact, many people probably are thinking in the back of their minds “good, he deserved it.”


That’s TERRIBLE!!!

Not only does she make one person feel like dookie, she puts CLAY through the whole thing when he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yeah, maybe he should’ve stepped up and stood up for her, but some people are totally uncomfortable with it.  It seems to me that Clay had a bit of social anxiety, but you know who cares?  Not Hannah Baker.

Yes, I understand that it would’ve been worth her keeping her life, but how would he know that would lead to it? Yes, I know we don’t know what everyone is dealing with, and we should be kind to everyone.  However, PEOPLE ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE PERFECT.  Mistakes happen, we should realize when a mistake was made and try to not make it again in the future.  Other people should also realize that those around them CAN MAKE MISTAKES.

It’s not like Clay was sitting over there going “yeah, make fun of Hannah, do it, aha!” Like, no.  It isn’t his fault it happened.

She put that boy through absolute TORTURE having to listen to all of those tapes and stories and thinking that he had done something absolutely awful to make her kill herself.  She says that he didn’t really do anything, but she doesn’t care.  Because nobody is more important than Hannah Baker. (HEAVY SARCASM RIGHT THERE)

Hannah Baker’s life wasn’t so great so she has to make everyone else’s lives not so great.

She made herself a bully beyond the grave!



Now, this sounds like I have no sympathy for suicidal people. That is so far from the truth.  I am severely depressed and have had thoughts about suicide.  Luckily, they stayed thoughts, and those thoughts scared me.

But this isn’t about me.

I understand that people want to kill themselves.  However, I think most of us can agree that suicide is not good. We might even say suicide is bad.  Therefore,


Which is exactly what 13 Reasons Why has done.


Now, I want to mention something that just irked me.




How do you think two girls in a relationship do it? Do they wait for a guy to come in the middle and say “Hey, you two should go out.  Will you go out with each other?” No.

That’s not how that works.


Why does she put herself in these terrible situations all the time?

Now, I’m not victim blaming.  It’s just a question.  Nobody ever deserves these things! However, I feel that at some point when you purposefully put yourself in a certain situation in which things go wrong you may be insane. Well, that is the definition of insanity.

Insanity – when one repeats the same thing multiple times expecting a different outcome

C’mon Hannah Baker, just be more careful.  Ask Clay out yourself. And don’t try to make other people’s lives crappy when they did it to you.  Honestly, it makes you no better than them.

I wish that we could just re-do this.  Of course awareness should be raised on teen suicide and depression and bullying.  They’re huge issues.  However, don’t romanticize it.  It’s awful.  It’s not the only answer. It doesn’t solve anything.

In 13 Reasons Why, it’s as though it’s the best option.


anxiety, depression, diet, fitness, health, trich, weight

Why am I this way?


Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop yanking and pulling my hair out of my scalp?

Sometimes I do better. There was a week long period that I didn’t pull a single hair. Every time I document if I pull my hair I don’t do it! Then, if that works, why can’t I keep doing that? Why do I have to torture myself?

I feel like a complete idiot when I do it, because I think I can force myself to stop, but I don’t.  Is that the way it is for anyone else? Or am I just doing this to myself.  I doubt that I have trichotillomania sometimes.  I think that I must enjoy doing it.  However, it makes me hate myself.

It’s the same thing with food. I gained 30 lbs during this school year, and I know how to stop it.  I know the science of it. I just don’t do it.  Is it because I’m just a lazy son of a gun?  Is it because I want to be bigger? I just eat junk. I have a gym membership, but I never go. I have a thousand ways that I could help myself, and yet, I don’t.

My fat goes to my stomach, and I don’t fit into my old clothes anymore.

The way I look makes me hate myself.

I have about one hundred stretch marks on my thighs that are bright pink.  My stomach goes out farther than my breasts which are already large.  My face makes a double chin unless I jut out my chin. Tank tops show folds around my arms and underarms. My hair is a fourth of it’s original thickness.  I have bald spots no matter how I style my hair.  I don’t know why I don’t just fix it.

I don’t take care of myself half the time.  I rarely wash my hair because I hate the way it looks when it’s wet, and I avoid it at all costs.  I eat crap because I stop caring, but when I get on the scale I cry.

Why can’t I stop this?

Why am I this way?